That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
