Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
