I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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