people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
