No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
