you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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