I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
barbara walters just said penis...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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