Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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