Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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