I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
