i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
