It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
