i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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