I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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