I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
