His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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