I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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