Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
