just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
