All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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