Already got asked if we're dating
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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