My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
