if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
