I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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