I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
