You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
