gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
