so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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