im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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