Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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