shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
