I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
