Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
