I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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