i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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