I just pynch a tree in the face
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
