So drunk its hurt
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
