she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
