you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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