You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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