Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I fill condoms, not promises.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
