I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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