If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
