yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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