I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
