Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Enjoy the penises
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
