and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
