Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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