hotel room ftw
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
a search helicopter?!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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