I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
