Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
