i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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